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"Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit" as said by those incapable of its proper application and as such suffer from it a lot.
"Well ya see, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
A computer program will always do what you tell it to, and seldom what you want it to.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.
A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
A disagreeable task is its own reward.
A doctor is only as famous as his last screw up.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
A flying particle will always seek the nearest eye.
A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.
A good scapegoat is hard to find.
A good slogan can stop analysis for fifty years.
A good solution can be successfully applied to almost any problem.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
A ladder was stolen from the store. The manager said that further steps will be taken.
A lawyer is never entirely comfortable with a friendly divorce, anymore than a good mortician wants to finish his job and then have the patient sit up on the table.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
A little ignorance can go a long way.
A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets. All they found was a pile of dust.
A man who eats prunes will get a good run for his money.
A man who thinks too much about his ancestors is like a potato plant? The best part of him is underground.
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
A penny saved has not been spent.
A penny saved is an economic breakthrough.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
A politician will stand for what he thinks people will fall for.
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.
A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago.
A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
A short line outside a building becomes a long line inside.
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him at my age I don't even buy green bananas.
A tightrope-walker tripping on a sidewalk is completely unacceptable.
A toast to alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him...how am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo? He told me . . . that is why we give you 21 days.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.
A wise man may look ridiculous in the company of fools.
A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.
Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.
Ability is like a check, it has no value unless it is cashed.
Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before.
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later.
Adler's Distinction: Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, and from the bureaucrats.
After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !!
After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !!
Afternoon: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
Alcohol doesn't solve any problems...but then again, neither does milk.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don't have it.
All American cars are basically Chevrolets.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All good things must come to an end, I just want to know when they start!
All men are animals, some just make better pets
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
All probabilities are really 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell what can't be done and why. Then do it.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
Ambivalent? Well yes and no....
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift"... they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git".
Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift"... they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git".
An Apple a day keeps Windows away.
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
An error in the premise will appear in the conclusion.
An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
An ounce of rejection is worse than a pound of "sure".
Anarchy is better than no government at all.
And I shall love thee still my dear, Until my wife is wise.
Andrea's Admonition: Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, it isn't and he can.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner or the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes.
Any argument carried far enough will end up in semantics.
Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of the most harm.
Any issue worth debating is worth avoiding altogether.
Any landing you can walk away from is a good one.
Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.
Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.
Anything is easier to take apart than to put together.
Anything that doesn't eat you today is saving you for tomorrow.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Appearances are not everything, it just looks like they are.
Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins.
Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up ?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a human head!
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
As they say in Beirut, Shiite happens.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
Ask: "Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?" (No.) Wink.
Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
Assassins do it from behind.
At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "I did," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors.
Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upward from the floor.
Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Being divorced is like being hit by a Mack truck. If you live through it, you start looking very carefully to the right and to the left.
Better latent than never.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Beware of those wearing suspenders with belts.
Big cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anybody.
Billings Phenomenon: The conclusions of most good operations research studies are obvious. - Robert E. Machol (The name refers to a well-known Billings story in which a farmer becomes concerned that his black horses are eating more than his white horses. He does a detailed study of the situation and finds that he has more black horses than white horses, Machol points out.)
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.
Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it for he shall enjoy living.
Blutarsky's Axiom: Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
Born Free... Taxed to Death.
Born Free... Taxed to Death.
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
Brilliant's Observation On Modern Art: Not all our artists are playing a joke on the public. Some are genuinely mad.
Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Business truth: After any unit has been completely assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.
Business truth: The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of the building.
Business truth: The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance.
By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Canadians are more polite when they are being rude than Americans are when they are being friendly.
Cats make everything taste better.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Chism's Law of Completion: The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
Chocolate: the OTHER major food group.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.
Climate is what you expect: weather is what you get.
Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
Come to the Dark Side... we have cookies.
Commit suicide. A hundred thousand lemmings cannot be wrong.
Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.
Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people.
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Constipated people don't give a crap.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ass?
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Death is hereditary.
Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
Deja Vu - When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong".
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
Diplomacy is the art of saying good doggie while looking for a bigger stick.
Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.
Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Do you want to speak to the manager or someone who know's what's going on?
Do you want to speak to the manager or someone who know's what's going on?
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute?
Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute?
Dog people should marry dog people and cat people should marry cat people.
Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't bite the hand that has your paycheck in it.
Don't blame me, nobody asked my opinion.
Don't buy the truth: go find something less expensive.
Don't do today that which can be put off till tomorrow.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
Don't make your doctor your heir.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it.
Don't steal. That's the government's job.
Don't stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Don't try to have the last word, you might get it.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early to bed, early to rise, and your girlfriend goes out with other guys.
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.
Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Entropy has us outnumbered.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Even paranoids have enemies.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Every time you open your mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!
Everyone hits a brick wall now and then, the trick is not to do it with your head.
Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.
Everything is actually everything else, just recycled.
Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.
Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
Everything worthwhile is mandatory, prohibited, or taxed.
Excuses are like bodies, everybody has one!
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
Feminists are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Fifty-six percent of all women carry condoms. The other 44% carry babies.
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
Five seconds later, I'm getting the upside of 15kV across the nipples. These ambulance guys sure know how to party.
For every "10" there are 10 "1's".
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
For some reason, we see divorce as a signal of failure, despite the fact that each of us has a right, and an obligation, to rectify any other mistake we make in life.
Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.
Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't read in two different languages.
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Funny how a dollar can look so big when you take it to church, and so small when you take it to the store.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Genius does what it must, talent does what it can, and you had best do what you're told.
George washington said "We would have a black president when pigs fly!"... well, swine flu.
George washington said "We would have a black president when pigs fly!"... well, swine flu.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.
Girlfriends are like credit cards, you can't get one unless you already have one.
Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.
Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and it'll eat for weeks!
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Go on. Add some variety to your sex life... Use the other hand!
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Grow your own dope, plant a man.
Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.
Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.
Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form "spokes." Happiness is when he stops.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
He does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.
Hey, I may have Alzheimer's, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's!
Hey, I may have Alzheimer's, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's!
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.
History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
History is the science of what never happens twice.
History repeats itself. That is one of the things wrong with history.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you want to see my finger.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
How can men use sex to get what they want? Sex IS what they want.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
How many vegetables had to die to make your salad!?
Hurricanes are like women: when they come, they're wet and wild, but when they leave they take your house and car.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
I am a deeply superficial person.
I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No, one drag is enough."
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
I broke a leg one time ... spilt coffee all over.
I can see why it would be prohibited to throw most things off the top of the Empire State Building, but what's wrong with little bits of cheese? They probably break down into their various gases before they even hit.
I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I daydreamed that I was falling and, just before I hit the ground, I fell asleep.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part.
I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
I don't give a shit, but if I did, you'd be the first person I'd give it to.
I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.
I don't necessarily agree with everything I say.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
I don't understand people who say life is a mystery, because what is it they want to know?
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I got a calculator and now I can't add without it. I got a spellchecker and I can't write without it anymore. I got a blowdryer and now my hair won't dry on its own.
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
I gotta tell you, I am loving this yada yada thing. I can gloss over my whole life story.
I guess more bad things have been done in the name of progress than any other. I myself have been guilty of this. When I was a teenager, I stole a car and drove it out into the desert and set it on fire. When the police showed up, I just shrugged and said, "Hey, progress." Boy, did I have a lot to learn.
I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage.
I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine. Then a classic case of divorce really affected me.
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The study of milkmen.
I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.
I had the right to remain silent, but I didn't have the ability.
I have a bad slice in my golf swing, now my golf partner is dead.
I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.
I have all the money I'll ever need - if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself.
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. She gets mad if I interrupt her.
I hope I'm the last guy on earth -- I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
I hope I'm the last guy on earth -- I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I is a college student.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I just let my mind wander, but it didn't come back yet.
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I like to hang out with ugly stupid people... They make me feel smarter and hotter at the same time.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.
I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911 and dedicated a crime to my girlfriend.
I love animals, they taste great.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!
I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!
I must be a proctologist... because I work with assholes.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing.
I poke badgers with spoons.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I prefer defending murderers. It's less depressing and as a rule I meet nicer people. - (A family attorney, turned defense attorney)
I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into him again.
I ran over a cat on the corner of "maybe next time" and "shoulda been faster".
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.. On your mark...
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.
I still miss my ex-girlfriend... but my aim is improving.
I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.
I think someone has to be listening to you for it to be an actual conversation.
I think that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I think, therefore I'm single.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
I thought I was wrong once, but it turns out I was mistaken.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
I took a physics course that was so hard I couldn't find the classroom.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
I want to start a car repair shop. I have already got the air for the tires.
I was so poor, I couldn't pay attention.
I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me... they were cramming for their finals.
I washed my edible underwear and now they're gone.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I will get it done when I get it done!
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat as much.
I wonder if angels believe in ghosts.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I would give $1000 to be a millionaire.
I would rather hunt with Dick Cheney than drive with Ted Kennedy.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If a leper gives you the finger, do you have to give it back?
If a leper gives you the finger, do you have to give it back?
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If all the cars on the Earth were lined up bumper to bumper, some idiot would try to pass them.
If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
If at first you don't succeed, try something else.
If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.
If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.
If at first you don't succeed, your successor will.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer...oh wait, he does.
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex?
If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas!
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
If I live in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That was if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everyone would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now.
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If it ain't broke, take it apart and fix it.
If it doesn't work, expand it.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong, it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.
If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once.
If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
If Snapple comes from the best stuff on earth, then our planet really sucks.
If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
If there is light at the end of the tunnel...order more tunnel.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store is free yet?
If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one great education!
If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.
If you are not committing any sins, you are probably not having a lot of fun.
If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights!
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If you can't read this, thank the teacher's union.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I am a coward.
If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
If you do not make dust, you eat dust.
If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.
If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.
If you do not understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.
If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
If you don't go out on the limb... how are you going to get the good apple?
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because hey, free dummy.
If you get to it and you can't do it, well there you jolly well are, aren't you.
If you go to sleep with a itching ass you will wake up with a stinking finger ...
If you have a shitty job, you probably shouldn't lick your fingers at lunch time.
If you have a shitty job, you probably shouldn't lick your fingers at lunch time.
If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life.
If you see a man in glasses only walking back into your apartment building from day to day, its probably superman.
If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.
If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you want to be a leader with a large following, just obey the speed limit on a winding, two-lane road.
If you want to get along, go along.
If your beauty is on the inside, turn yourself inside out.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much."
If you're going to ride my ass at least pull my hair and make me scream!
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between "shit" and "syphilis"
I'm a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm in shape. Round is a shape isn't it?
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm not on Myspace... I'm right here.
I'm not tense. I'm just terribly, terribly alert.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?
I'm putting the "Sensual" in "Non-Consensual".
I'm supposed to back up my hard drive, but how do I put it into reverse?
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".
In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.
In any household, junk accumulates to the the space available for its storage.
In every work of genius we recognize our rejected thoughts.
In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!
In our family we don't divorce our men, we bury them.
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Integrity is Everything. I'll sell you mine for fifty bucks.
IRS: Be Audit You Can Be!
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Is there life before coffee?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.
It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It is better to be part of the idle rich class than be part of the idle poor class.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
It is incredible how much intelligence is used in this world to prove nonsense.
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
It is not sufficient to be a success, it is also necessary for your friends to be failures.
It is okay to be ignorant in some areas, but some people abuse the privilege.
It just doesn't get any Beta than this.
It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design exactly.
It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!
It would be funny if, while performing an abortion, someone yelled 'abort! abort!'
It you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
It's a good apartment because they allow pets. I have a Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family picnics.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
It's fascinating to think that all around us there's an invisible world we can't even see. I'm speaking, of course, of the World of the Invisible Scary Skeletons.
It's hell to work for a nervous boss, especially if you are why he's nervous!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.
It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.
It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
It's O.K. to laugh during sex ... just don't point !
It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like a pack of wild dogs.
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet she won't drink from my glass!
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I do...
Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one.
Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Just say NO to negativity
Keep honking. I'm reloading.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Puke... and you are on your own.
Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
Laugh, clown, laugh. This is what I tell myself whenever I dress up like Bozo.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Let's say you stuff a cat's tail up his ass until it peeks out of his mouth, and you give the tip of its tail a sound yank. Would the cat turn inside out?
Life's a bitch, 'cause if it was a slut, it'd be easy.
Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it shits on your head.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Like a prison without bars and a porn mag lying on the floor - such is the internet.
Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!
Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Make yourself at home... clean my kitchen.
Make yourself at home... clean my kitchen.
Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.
Marriage is the transference of misery from the woman to the man.
Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.
May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.
May you never leave your marriage alive.
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Money is the root of all evil. For more information, send $10 to me.
Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
Montana: At least our cows are sane!
More hay, Trigger? No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
Most women don't know where to look when they're eating a banana.
Most women prefer sex with the lights off because they can't bear to see a man enjoying himself.
Multitasking means screwing up several things at once.
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
MY CHILD was trustee of the month at ELMWOOD!!
My Chinese girlfriend said "You shit in bed"... so I did.
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
My divorce came to me as a complete surprise. That's what happens when you haven't been home in eighteen years.
My dog is smarter than your honor student.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
My drinking team has a bowling problem.
My father taught me to work; he did not teach me to love it.
My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one of them had VD.
My girlfriend asked me, "Do You believe in love at first sight"? I said, "At the first sight of what"?
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom
My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom.
My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm lucky to have them.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
My testicles just dropped.....WITH A VENGENCE!!!
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
My wife said "If you go hunting or fishing one more time I'm going to leave you"... I'm sure going to miss her.
My wife submits and I obey, she always lets me have her way.
National Schizophrenic's Convention: Anybody who's everybody will be there!
Nebraska: At least the cows are sane.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.
Never believe generalizations.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.
No one is listening until you fart.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Nobody's a virgin...life screws us all.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who's free for the weekend.
Nothing says loving like marrying your cousin!
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Nuke the Whales! We'll hunt them at night.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
On the other hand... You have different fingers.
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
One thing that makes me believe in UFOs is, sometimes I lose stuff.
Only dead fish go with the flow.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens.
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
Paris Hilton... Vacancy.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.
People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.
People do not change, they only become more so.
People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.
People said there will be a black president when pigs fly. 100 days after Obama, swine flu!
People specialize in their area of greatest weakness.
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they forget the negative side, which is the preening.
People who are resistant to change cannot resist change for the worse.
People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.
People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.
People who think they know everything upset those of us who do.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
People will buy anything that is one-to-a-customer.
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
Perfection is achieved only on the point of collapse.
Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands, but English women only hope to find in their butlers.
Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects.
Personally, I don't believe the world owes me a living, although for the amount I make, an apology would be nice.
Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional and employ faulty reasoning.
Pessimists have already begun to worry about what is going to replace automation.
Pick good people, talent never wears out.
Pills to be taken in twos always come out of the bottle in threes.
Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Please do not steal, the IRS hates competition!
Please do not steal, the IRS hates competition!
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by hitting back.
Producing a system from a specification is like walking on water, it's easier if it's frozen.
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.
Programming errors which would normally require one day to find will take five days when the programmer is in a hurry.
Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Progress may have been all right once, but it went on too long.
Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and still come out ahead.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quality assurance doesn't.
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quickly, I must hurry, for there go my people and I am their leader.
Quit while your still behind.
Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a matter of principle.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Remember the golden rule: Those that have the gold make the rules.
Remember the tea kettle, though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to sing.
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
Repetition does not establish validity.
Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.
Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.
Roses are red, bullets are lead, you better love me, or I'll shoot you in the head.
Roses are red, violets are blue, and puke is yellowish-green.
Rule of defactualization: information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
Say no, then negotiate.
Say no, then negotiate.
Science is always simple and always profound. It is only the half-truths that are dangerous.
Science is not a sacred cow. Science is a horse. Don't worship it. Feed it.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
Security depends not so much upon how much you have as upon how much you can do without.
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Self starters...will not.
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Sex is like software: For every one who pays for it there are hundreds getting it for free.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.
Sex on tv can't hurt unless you fall off.
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.
So if it is in, or if it is on, it is as it is, be it in or on.
So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
So one day as a kid I was at the local Zoo. I was bored and kept pestering my dad to go and play. Eventually he agreed, took me over to the lion enclosure, threw me in and said: "There ya go, play dead..."
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
Something you never want to hear during surgery: "Ewww blood!"
Something you never want to hear during surgery: "Who wants to try something new?"
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.
Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain - unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt.
Sorry I missed church. I've been busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
South Korea's got SeOUL!
Stable relationships are for horses.
Stay in with the outs.
Strangers have the best candy.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Studies have proven that 6 out of 7 people enjoy gang rape.
Stupidity runs in the family... It's a good thing I'm adopted.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
Thank God I'm an atheist.
That boy's about as sharp as a bag of wet mice.
That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.
That's not a haircut, it's a cry for help.
The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems.
The Aquinas Axiom: What the gods get away with, the cows don't.
The average man's judgement is so poor, he runs a risk every time he uses it.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Finland. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you.
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
The business plan you prepare must be a lie, but it must be a detailed and precise lie rather than a vague and general lie.
The chainsaw-wielding customer is always right.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The control key on the keyboard does not work.
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.
The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
The difference between men and boys is the price of their toys.
The difference between theory and practice ... is larger in practice than in theory.
The difficulty with a research grant is that if you solve the problem, you're out of a job.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.
The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.
The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
The farther backwards you can look, the farther forward you are likely to see.
The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time. The last 10% usually takes the other 90% of the time.
The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.
The Greek words recorded in the Gospels when Jesus died, translated in English as "It is finished" were the same words used in bills of sale and meant "paid in full".
The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce.
The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
The insane create worlds, the sane live in them... the sane create cages, the insane live in them.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.
The last time someone listened to a Bush, a bunch of people wandered in the desert for 40 years!
The longer the title the less important the job.
The Lord gave us the power to procreate. So, let's practice!
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.
The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.
The moment for calm and rational discussion is past, now is the time for senseless bickering.
The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher probability of its success.
The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.
The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The most important item in an order will no longer be available.
The most important thing in the application development is the name. An application will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable application.
The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: Management.
The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: Management.
The most interesting results happen only once.
The museum boasted owning the original version of Beethoven's unfinished basement.
The obscure we see eventually, the completely apparent takes a little longer.
The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
The only difference between the people I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.
The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have.
The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have.
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
The only sense that is common in the long run is the sense of change. We instinctively avoid it.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The other line always moves faster.
The paperless office will become a reality about the same time as the paperless toilet.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common "enemy".
The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
The solving of a problem lies in finding the solvers.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease, sometimes it gets replaced.
The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease, sometimes it gets replaced.
The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of junk food available.
The sun goes down just when you need it the most.
The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
The universe is a figment of its own imagination. There's no future in time travel.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
The winner of the rat race is still a rat.
The workbench is always untidier than last time.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are no winners in life...only survivors.
There are no winners in life...only survivors.
There are things I like, and there are things I shit on.
There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot.
There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There are two things on earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity.
There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything, both ways save us from thinking.
There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for.
There is a right way, a wrong way, and my way to do everything.
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can't pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.
There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrrong.
There is no limit to how bad things can get.
There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
They call it "pms" because "mad cow disease" was already taken.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who's in a hurry ?
They say that patience is a virtue, well I have been patient all my life and look where it's got me.
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Think globally, Act galactically.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
Those who say they "sleep like a baby", haven't got one.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
To do is to be [Descartes]. To be is to do [Voltaire]. Do be do be do [Frank Sinatra].
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girlfriends.
To live your life to the fullest, you've got to be a master of economics... after all, time's demand is always far exceeding it's supply.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Today's subliminal message is: ( )
Tornado rips through cemetery: Hundreds dead!
True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.
Trust but verify.
Trust but verify.
Trust in God, but tie your camel. (Arab proverb)
Trying to squash a rumour is like trying to unring a bell.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
Two eyebrows are better than one.
Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her.
Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.
Vegetarian: Native American definition for "lousy hunter".
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
Warning: I have an attitude, and I know how to use it.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
We are all part of the ultimate statistic - ten out of ten die.
We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour
We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.
Well, at least the war on the environment is going well.
What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.
What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
What is a commitee? It is a group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry?
Never lick the spoon.
What would happen if Superman consumed 10 Lbs of laxative?
What wouldn't Jesus do?
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
What's the speed of dark?
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
When I said 'death' before 'dishonor', I meant alphabetically.
When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
When in doubt, mumble.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise!
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
When you go to the drugstore, why are the condoms not in with the other party supplies?
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!
When you think you have someone eating out of your hand, count your fingers.
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
Who are these children, and why do they keep calling me Mom?
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Who stopped payment on my reality check?
Who was the first to see a cow and think "I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?"
Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers? Men don't like flowers. I've been wearing a great new scent. It's called New Car Interior.
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma.
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
Why is it that in the US: If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, terrified citizens will phone the police and report: "There's a naked person outside!"
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Why is it that we will laugh at a man in a clown outfit, but we don't laugh at a man just walking down the street carrying a clown outfit in one of those plastic dry-cleaner bags?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Wife: The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have excessive control over his personal affairs.
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
Wisdom is a comb given to a man once he is bald.
Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.
Wit is educated insolence.
With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.
With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
Without ME, it's just AWESO.
Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
You can always get a job in international affairs because 90% of everything happens in a foreign country.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.
You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.
You can't have 'manslaughter' without 'laughter'.
You can't stay married in a situation where you are afraid to go to sleep in case your wife might cut your throat.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
You either have to be first, best, or different.
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'. Need I say more?
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
You know you have a small apartment when Coco Pops echo.
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you're like, 'Fuck it - just grab a pile of shit. We'll get a bag at the airport'.
You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
You will find that the only thing you can do easily is be wrong, and that's hardly worth the effort.
You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.
Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment.
Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment.
You're as innocent as a nun doing press-ups in a cucumber field.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.


   
 

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